Young Jim, I hoped he would be funnier

crazy scene from South Park

I just love this show/I love SNL

Cruisin not bruisin

Peter Griffin is my Idol

"...Jesus...you came to bring us the good word...""

"...Have you heard the news about...certain...avian variety..."

this show just makes me happy

I do no think this should be commented;)

Good theory isn't bad at all:D

Anothe song remake from SNL cast music group The Lonely Island

I DID IT LIKE A BOSS...

I took a shit and I jizzed my pants;)

Why should you learn english

Hi everyone!

I am hoping to create great comedy related blog/site because I love to laugh, I think it's the best cure for everything and I want to cure the nation. haha
No, fo real I love good comedy and as I am movie maniac as well I'm going to combine both hoobies and give ou blog/site full of stand-up videos, best comedy movies, jokes section and news about our favorite comedy celebrities;)

See you soon,
gib1

Monica Lewinsky (on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her miraculous Jenny Craig weight-loss):
"I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me"}


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The other day Clinton walked into a meeting with a pair of female lacy
panties on the sleeve of his jacket. During the meeting, everybody
couldn't help but stare at it but noone dared to say a word. When the
meeting ended one of the men went up to and said, "Mr. President, you have
a pair of panties on your arm." Clinton said that he alread knew this fact
and that he was, "trying to quit."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monica's wish comes true
Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern
washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!", she exclaimed.
No", said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of
this, I can only give you one wish."

"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty
of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money,
because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have
all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love
handles, though. Yeah, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my
love handles removed."

Poof! And just like that, her ears were gone!

One day George Bush dies and goes to hell (no shit!) but hell is full to bursting, so, because Bush is the worst sinner the devil has ever encountered, he is allowed to choose his punishment.

The devil gives Bush a guided tuour, and when they come to the first room he sees a politician diving into a pool, swimming a length, getting out and diving back in again, repeating this process over and over again.

Bush asks the devil, "Shit, does he have to do that non-stop?"
"Yup"
"Well," excusing himself from this punishment, "I've never been a very good swimmer, so can we go on to the next room, please?"

Here, Bush sees someone constantly smashing up bricks with a mallet. Excusing himself once again, Bush says, "Well, I have a bad shoulder, so I can't see myself doing that for all eternity."

Finally they come to the last room and by this time Satan is getting a bit annoyed. He tells Bush, "Look, you aren't supposed to enjoy yourself in hell anyway, so if you don't want this room, you'll just have to take one of the others."

Bush half-heartedly agrees, but when he looks in this room, his face almost lights up - he sees President Clinton tied naked to the floor with a beautiful woman fornicating over him.

Bush says to the devil, "Yeah, i'll take this room!"

At which point the devil looks at the woman and says, "Hey Monica, you're free to go!"

A patient says, Doc last nite I made a freudian slip, I was having tea wif my mother in law and wanted to say "can you plz pass me the butter?"



But instead I said "You fuking fat cow u completely ruined my life".

Why isnt their any americans in the V8 Supercar Series??

BECAUSE THEY ONLY KNOW HOW TO RACE AROUND CIRCLES!

okay,

there a schoolgirl, a man, a woman, and the pope in a small plane about to crash, adn there are only three parachutes, the woman says, "i am the wife of John F Kennedy, the best president, i deserve to live!" so she takes a parachute and jumps, then the man says, "i am George W bush, i am the world's smartest president, i deserve to live, so he takes a 'chute and jumps, then the pope says to the little girl, "i've had my share of life, you take the last parachute" then the girl says "that's very noble of you, but the 'world's smartest president' took my schoolbag, there's enough for both of us.

ALERT STATUS

CODE YELLOW CHEESE



Top 10 reasons that George W. wants to go to the moon.


10 - Because it is the perfect example of how life would be if all his policies were carried out with no breathable air, no drinkable water, and not a single tree standing.

9 - There is nobody there to complain about the dumping of nuclear waste.

8 - He could really strut in that weaker gravity.

7 - Half the people would always be in the dark (oh wait, that is already happening on this planet).

6 - No damn liberals.

5 - He thought the moon was made of cocaine.

4 - All the animals are already extinct so he wouldn't have to hear all this talk about environmental protection or global warming.

3 - No cops to pull you over if you're driving drunk.

2 - Can't see (or hear) protesters.

And the #1 reason Bush Jr. wants to go to the moon - He thought it would be easier to find weapons of mass destruction on the barren surface.

And why did I come to this site?
Because I chose to.
All that stuff I wrote about racism being thrown at each other between Australia and New Zealand.
I think some of you guys should take into consideration some of the shit that you type on this site.
So any one who chooses to type some crap message to disagree with me..........WHO CARES WHAT YOU THINK!
I wrote what I wrote because I was disgusted at some of the crap I was reading on this site.
Be rude, type crap to disagree, I don't care what any one types about my material, your words don't mean anything to me, so be immature if you dare.

a red head goes to the doctor and says " Doc my body hurts all over !!" the doctor says " well lets see " so the red head touches her elbow and screams in agoney, then she touches her forehead and screams again , the doctor finaly says " your not a red head are you ?" " NO i am really a Blonde " she replys, " I thought so , its not your body thats in pain,, YOUR FINGER IS BROKEN "

a brunet a blonde an a red head wee on da run from da police they hid in a barn wen da police came the policemen kicked all da bags the brunet goes WOOF the red head goes MEOW the blonde goes PATATOES!!!!! very funny hahahahahaha not

A priest in a small rural town was very fond of the ten chickens and
one handsome cock rooster he kept in a hen house behind the rectory.

One Saturday night, the priest discovered that the cock rooster was
missing. At the same time the priest heard rumors of cockfights that
were being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say
something during the Sunday Mass.

During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you will confess
to sporting a handsome cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you will confess
to having seen a handsome cock?" All the women stood up.

"Oh, no," he said. That's not what I mean, either! Who among you will
confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?"

Half the women stood up.

"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: "Has anybody
here seen my cock?" All the choirboys stood up.

what do you call a fly without wings? a walk

Q:What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A:No idead

Q:What do you call a deer with no eyes, and no legs?
A:Still no idea

Q:What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no dick?
A:Still no fuckin' idea

They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.

a duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has some bread? bar tender says no he asks again do you have some bread? bar tender says no he asks again do you have some bread? bar tender says no, and if you dont shut up i will nail your fucken beak to the bar, duck says do you have some nails bar tender says no duck says GOT SOME BREAD!

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants".

A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.

His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.

"Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.

"Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on.

He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.

"If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.

When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.

A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer

"What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily.

"Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle."

Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out.

The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them."

A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
bullet

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
bullet

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
bullet

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
bullet

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
bullet

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.

"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him."

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hog and kisses!

What would you get it you crossed Odie with the God of love?
A stupid cupid!

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
"I'm sweet on you!"

What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
"I find you very attractive."

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A hug and a quiche!

What did one pickle say to the other?
"You mean a great dill to me."

What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
"I love you a ton!"

What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
"You're fun to hang around with."

Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
He fell in love with a pincushion!

What did the pencil say to the paper?
"I dot my i's on you!"

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
She didn't suit his taste!

More Evidence That This World Is Full Of Complete Idiots

Stupid Counterfeiter

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

Here, Hold This

A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

Now Watch This

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

No Nukes, Ya Hear?

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

All Aboard

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

My Book!!!

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

Escaped Convict

A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Lie Detector

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

Intoxicated Robber

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

Tired of Walking

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?"

Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.

A police officer made his way down the line, questioning each of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers...

They panhandle on different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos sign reads: 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.'

Jose says "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."

Carlos says "So what does your sign say?"

Jose shows Carlos his sign... It reads : 'I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico '

President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics he stated: "Casi cada uno que puede funcionar, saltar, o la nadada ha salido ya del pams."

Translation:
"Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10..." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"10...9...8...7..."

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!"

Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that...uh...that...uh.....thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Damn, there go the lights again...

"You know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of them."

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.

What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?

Don't worry; I think it's sharp enough.

What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of here!

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing isn't as good as it used to be. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure.

When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"

I don't know if you know this but they are now selling Kosher computers (Made in Israel) called DELLSHALOM. It is selling at such a good price that I bought one. Mine arrived yesterday.

If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:

The cursor moves from right to left.

It comes with two hard drives--one for fleyshedik business software and one for milchedik games.

Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets "Ferklempt."

The Chanukah screen savers include "Flying Dreidels"

The PC also shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

The "Start" button has been replaced with "Let's go!! I'm not getting any younger!" button.

When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus".

The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!".

Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.

I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup. Microsoft Office now includes "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."

When running "scandisk", it prompts with a "You want I should fix this?" message.

When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt"

There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that Advertises that it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor.

After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schloffen."

Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.

The Y2K problem has been replaced by "Year 5761-5762" issues.

If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears: "You should be ashamed of yourself."

When Spellcheck finds an error it prompts "Is this the best you can do?

Young Judy was having trouble with her computer, so she called Tony, the computer guy, over to her desk.

Tony clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

A puzzled expression came over Judy's face. "An ID Ten T Error?

What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Tony gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?"

"No," replied Judy.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

She wrote... I D 1 0 T

This just in : NEW VIRUS WARNING

If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus yet.

It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles . It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.

It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.

Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

1. Viruses are free.

2. Viruses don't take up most of your hard drive.

3. Viruses don't need 80 megs of RAM.

4. Viruses don't have major bugs.

5. Viruses don't have three different sets of documentation.

6. Viruses don't leak info to the press about the upcoming Jerusalem 95, to keep people from switching to Michelangelo/2 Warp.

7. Viruses aren't on every computer.

8. Nobody cares if a virus turns out to be 16 bit, even though it is advertised as 32...

9. Viruses install themselves !

Tech: Internet Technical Support this is so-and-so speaking. May I have your username please?

Female Customer: Yes I want to speak to the person in charge immediately!

Tech: Speaking. What can I do for you?

Female Customer: I want to complain about the pornographic bookmarks your company put in my web browser!

Tech: We didn't put any pornographic bookmarks in your web browser.

Female Customer: Oh yes you did! I'm looking at them right now!

(Tech remembers the Netscape history list and grins to himself)

Tech: Where exactly are these "bookmarks" located?

Female Customer: In Netscape!

Tech: And where exactly in Netscape would that be?

Female: In that little list that comes down when you click the little down arrow!

Tech: The one right above the Net Search button?

Female Customer: Yes that one!

Tech: Miss, that's the Netscape history list. Netscape keeps the past ten links you typed in that box. The only way to put an address in that box is for someone to physically sit at your computer and type in a web address.

Female Customer: Well I certainly didn't type in those X rated web addresses!

Tech: Well somebody did. Who else has access to your computer, and uses the Internet?

Female Customer: Just me and my husband!

(Several seconds of silence pass ... Hey! I wasn't going to say it!)

Female Customer: ........ oh ............. OOOH! ... Thank you.

(She quickly hung up)

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong drink in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians, last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children."

He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars." The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine.

The two blondes made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.

Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this."

Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy."

Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."

Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."

But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians. Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh my God, we're going to be millionaires!"

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to do when she approaches a large house. She goes up to the house, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door.

He asks the lady what he can do for her. The blonde tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting his porch painted. He asks the blonde if she paints?

The blonde says, "Sure anything."

"Well, I've been wanting my porch painted, how much would you charge?" the man replies.

"I don't know, say $50 bucks."

"Sounds good. Go ahead and get started." He closes the door and walks back inside.

His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?" He tells her of the blonde and her situation and then told his wife that the blonde agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks.

The astonished wife says, "$50 bucks, but that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours job. You really should pay her more."

"But that's all she said she wanted, and anyway she's a dumb blonde!"

10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the blone stands there and says, "All done."

With a surprised look on his face, "I can't believe it, you're already done painting the entire porch."

"Yes, and by the way it's not a porch it's a Ferrari."

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,

"OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...

because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little f%@#*er on your knee!"

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man lets rip a fart.

Wifey rolls over and growls, "What in God's name was that?"

Man says, "TOUCHDOWN, I'm ahead, 7 to nothing!!!"

A few minutes later the wife lets rip a Scorcher.

Husband says, "Crikey, what was that?"

She replies "Touchdown, tie score."

The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."

What is the sharpest thing in the world?
A Fart. It goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole.

A skeleton was trying to fart in a crowded place.
But in the end it couldn't 'cos it had no guts.

What's the definition of bravery?
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

What happened to the blind skunk?
He fell in love with a fart.

What do you get if you eat beans and onions?
Tear Gas.

Why fart and waste when you can burp and taste?

What do you call a fart?
A turd honking for the right of way.

What did the maxi-pad say to the fart?
You are the wind beneath my wings.

What do you call "fart" in German?
Farfrompoopin!

Your ass is so tight:
You fart and only dogs can hear it.

What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?
A private tutor!

Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing.

Confucius say:
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Vain: You love the smell of your own farts.

Amiable: You love the smell of other people’s farts.

Proud: You think your farts are exceptionally fine.

Shy: You release silent farts and then blush.

Impudent: You boldly fart out loud and then laugh.

Unfortunate: You try really hard to fart, but you poop instead.

Scientific: You fart regularly but you’re concerned about pollution.

Nervous: You stop in the middle of your fart.

Honest: You admit that you farted but offer good medical reasons.

Dishonest: You far and then blame the dog.

Foolish: You suppress your farts for hours.

Thrifty: You always keep a couple of good farts in reserve.

Anti-Social: When the need arises, you excuse yourself from the room and fart in private.

Strategic: You fart and then conceal it with loud coughing.

Sharing: You fart in bed and then pull the cover up over your partner’s head.

Intellectual: You can determine from the smell of any fart exactly what food item had been consumed.

Athletic: You fart at the slightest exertion.

Miserable: You would love to let one out, but you are unable to fart.

Sensitive: You fart and then start crying.

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure.

Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."

The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he craps on you."

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

A guy sits in front of TV all day, farting like there's no tommorrow. But not just gassy airish farts, I'm talking mega greasy wet ones, the kind that would make your dog puke.

His wife, understandably is angry, and says: "One day Honey, you are gonna fart your guts out."

The next Sunday, as wife is preparing Turkey for sunday lunch, Hubbie falls asleep. The wife spies an opportunity to get her own back, so she takes the innards of the turkey and places them in the underwear her husband is wearing. She then went back to cooking the turkey. Later on that night, her husband came to the dinner table looking very frightened.

"What happened?" asked his wife.

"Well," the man said, "you were right. I farted my guts out."

"What did you do?" asked his wife.

"Well with the Grace of God and these two fingers I got 'em all back up in there!"

* A message from Turd Castle.
* A sneeze from the turtle's head.
* Air biscuit
* Air Jordan
* Anal airwaves
* Anal audio
* Anal telegram
* Ass-paragas
* Backstreet Boys
* Barked
* Barked beans
* Bean sprouts
* Bench warmer
* Bips
* Blast
* Blatt!
* Blow-Holes.
* Blowing mud.
* Blowing the ol butt trumpet.
* Bottom burp
* Botty burp
* Britney Spoors
* Bucksnort
* Butt burner
* Cheesers
* Clouds of chaos.
* Colon quack.
* Cracking a rat.
* Crack splitters.
* Cutting the cheese.
* Disappointments from down under.
* Draw mud.
* Dropped a shoe.
* Dropping your guts.
* Escape from the planet of the gapes.
* Exercising the meat nozzle.
* Exploding turds.
* Fecal Fluffies
* Firing Scud missiles.
* Flatulence
* Fluff
* Foul's Hoot
* Framping barking spider.
* Gassius Assius
* Gravy pants
* Grep
* Guff
* Happy honkers
* Heinie burp
* Hotties
* I smell sulfur, wait a minute, that's my ass!
* Janet
* K-Fart
* Makin' beans
* Message from Uranus
* Mud crickets
* Mud duck
* My butt has something to say...
* Natural Gas
* Nature's little surprises
* Nature's musical box
* One turd honking at another for the right of way.
* Ooh, that's a nasty cough
* Oops! I let Fluffy off the leash!
* Pant stainers
* Panty Burps
* Parps
* Phoofs
* Pieru
* Poof
* Poots
* Pull my finger!
* Quakers - 9.5 on the Rectal Scale!
* Rat Bark
* Rosebuds
* S.A.V. Silent And Violent
* S.B.D. Silent But Deadly
* Schnurs
* Shootin' bunnies
* Short snort
* Sidewinder
* Silence in the court, my bums about to talk...
* Smell-O-Gram
* Speak to me ol' toothless wonder.
* Speak up Brown, ya through.
* Stinkies
* Thar she blows!
* The Brown River
* The Great Brown Cloud
* The Great Equalizer
* There goes a mouse on a motorcycle.
* Thunder from down under.
* Tooters
* Tree frog
* Trouser cough
* Trouser ghost
* Trouser rippers
* Trouser trumpet
* Trump
* Turd honking
* Turd Tooties
* Turds slamming on the brakes.
* Underthunder
* Who dropped their guts?
* Who opened their lunch box?
* Who stepped on a duck?
* Winds
* Woofer

Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2001, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Kindergarten Teacher: To get to the other side.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy

Jack Nicholson: 'cause it f******g wanted to. That's the f******g reason.
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.

Plato: For the greater good.

The Pope: That is only for God to know.
Ronald Reagan: I forget. Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

Barry Scheck: Were you there? WERE YOU?? Did you see that chicken cross that road? Well?? DID YOU???
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?" Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

Homer Simpson: Mmmmmm. Chicken.
O.J. Simpson: Absolutely one-hundred percent unsure. B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Oliver Stone: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Louise Woodward: Because it wouldn't shut up!! SHUT UP!!

Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!"

Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. The pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!

The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!".

So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened.

"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked.

The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?"

The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat.

The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat is really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I have him tied to a big, old cinder block."

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

"Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked."

"Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires
Why do Elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks

Why do elephants paint their feet yellow?
To hide upside down in bowls of custard
Have you ever seen an elephant upside down in your custard?
Then it must work

How do you get elephants to go into a Mini Cooper?
Tell them there's custard in there

How do you know that an elephant has been in your fridge?
Yellow footprints in the egg tray

How do you tell if there is an elephant in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called "The Russian Pretzel," which often landed his opponents in the hospital.

When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, "Coach, he's HUGE. I'm scared."

The coach replied, "You da MAN! Just go in there and tear him up!"

The guy started the match quite confidently, but after about a minute, the Russian picked him up, slammed him into the famous pretzel, and sent him to the emergency room.

The same thing happened to the second wrestler, so the third guy was petrified. He told his coach he was backing out.

The coach said, "C'mon, son. You're our last chance!"

The kid started out pretty well, but when the Russian started to twist him into the pretzel, the coach covered his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the referee holding the American's hand up in victory. The coach, baffled, asked the kid how he did it.

"Well Coach, when that damn Russian picked me up and started twisting my body, it HURT! So when I saw two red things dangling there, I bit them... HARD! You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own balls!"

An ugly fat woman, a gorgeous young hot blonde, an American man and a Canadian man are all riding together in a train car.

As the train passes through a tunnel, the distinctive sound of a loud slap is heard.

When they emerge from the tunnel, a bright red handprint is on the face of the American.

The fat woman thinks "that dirty American grabbed that blonde in the tunnel and she slapped him!"

The blonde thinks "that dirty American must have tried to grab me, but grabbed the fatso by mistake and she slapped him!"

The American thinks "that Canadian bastard felt up that blonde and she slapped me by mistake!"

The Canadian thinks "I can�t wait �til we go through another tunnel so I can slap that stupid American again!"

Dear Americans:

(I hope nobody really gets offended by this, it's all just for fun)


To the citizens of the United States of America...

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy.) Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee'). You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "Shit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnats' Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnats' Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

How many American tourists does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.

A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.

"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"

The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude. Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."

The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.

"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."

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